where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
