my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
