so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize