Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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