Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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