There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize