remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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