I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
