Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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