In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
