five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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