How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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