She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
