oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you guys were way drunker than both of me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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