Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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