I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
