How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
