So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
