So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
