If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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