My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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