see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
