Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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