I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
