I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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