god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
