the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
