i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
