it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
