did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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