someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
