my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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