plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
