last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
