Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
