If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
