I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
