how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
