My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
