Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
