Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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