you didnt know i had herpes?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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