Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
