and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
