On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
