He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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