So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
