get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
