I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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