Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
