Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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