Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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