I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
