How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize