Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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