i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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