She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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