guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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