we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
