People with herpes should wear stickers.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
