True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
