Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
