i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
