I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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