It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
