thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
