I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
